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Fanzing Humor
by "Ratbat" (Urac Sigma)

Realistic Superhero Origins

As Kal-El was rocketed to Earth as an infant, he…
…burnt up on atmospheric entry.

Witnessing his parents murdered before his very eyes, young Bruce Wayne decided to…
…call the police.

When dying alien Abin Sur offered Hal Jordan a powerful ring…
…Hal remembered childhood lectures about taking gifts from strangers, and left the Green Lantern to die.

Stranded on a deserted island for a year, Oliver Queen…
…got really really bored.

As scientist Barry Allen was struck by lightning and knocked through a batch of chemicals, he found that…
…he got some very nasty burns.

When construction worker John Henry Irons built a suit of armour to fight crime in Superman's stead…
…the weight of it crushed him to death.

When criminals came to murder the Flying Graysons…
…they got them all, even that kid Dick.

When Barbara Gordon decided to go online with the tag Oracle…
…she spent 20 hours a day in adult chat rooms for the rest of her days.

When an aged scientist accidentally transported a buff Martian, clad only in boots, trunks and a harness to Earth…
…he called Chippendales immediately.

In experiments at Cadmus, trying to create a clone of Superman…
…the local brains trust ended up growing themselves a super-powered sheep.

When Ralph Dibny drank an awful lot of a substance he derived from Gingold soda…
…his teeth all rotted.

When Max Mercury theorised that all superspeedsters gained their power from a cosmic reserve of energy called the Speed Force…
…he found that other heroes no longer seemed to talk to him.

THE TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE READING AN ELSEWORLDS

10. You wonder why the omniverse is filled with no-one besides Superman and Batman.
9. Captain Marvel spends a large amount of time going bad.
8. A character's destiny line fails to change to any great extent at all.
7.5. It has that little Elseworlds logo on the front. (Not funny, but it had to be said.)
7. You spend the entire book comparing Superman to Jesus.
6. There is a throwaway reference to the Joker.
5. Half of the narration is little handwriting in caption-boxes.
4. A Justice League forms for no particularly good reason.
3. It costs about three times the amount of a normal book of that size.
2. Superman realises that Earth is his home now.

And the number one sign you're reading an Elseworlds…
1. You can see Batman's eyes through his mask!

THE TOP 10 WAYS TO TELL YOU'RE LIVING IN THE D.C. UNIVERSE

10. You move out of town as soon as someone in tights shows up. (They always invite trouble.)
9. THE X-FILES is somehow plausible, despite them overlooking all the aliens in the world.
8. You see a large arty spotlight shining over the city, but don't seriously believe it's because of anyone real.
7. You're an alien shapeshifter, only you've never noticed…
6. Fatal accidents hardly ever kill anyone.
5. You feel the overwhelming urge to pick on the type of person who saves your life and limb on a regular basis.
4. The guy who runs the spandex shop can afford a mansion.
3. Humankind as a whole is almost incapable of learning anything useful from any technology it discovers.
2. Glasses are the best, and most impenetrable, disguise on the planet.

And the Number One indicator that you're living in the DCU…
1. You were born less than ten years ago, and you're currently in your mid-teens!

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