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The Top 12 Cool things about batman
By guest writer Bruce Bachand
The Top Twelve
1 Batmobile - Hey, this has got to be the coolest car ever! Even the souped up Impala on the TV Batman show from the 60's was cool (wayyyy cool) back then. I wonder who does cover the driver's insurance on it, though?
2 Batcave - This is also so very cool. "Hi there. Would you like to come over to my Batcave? Ok, just put on this blindfold. And take this Zoloft tablet." It has cars, a boat, a chopper, computers (Crays?), and a butler. What more could you ask for? Oh, and a cool hidden entrance!
3 Batcave - This is also so very cool. "Hi there. Would you like to come over to my Batcave? Ok, just put on this blindfold. And take this Zoloft tablet." It has cars, a boat, a chopper, computers (Crays?), and a butler. What more could you ask for? Oh, and a cool hidden entrance!
4 Utility Belt - Need some sleeping gas? Got it! Need something to pry a lock open? Got it! Need a Swiss army knife to open that bottle of vintage red wine? Got it! Need a can of bat shark repellent? Got it! The bat utility belt has it all… and it keeps your Bat-trousers up, too!
5 JLA membership - Yeah, I know, this one is a wee bit harder to swallow and believe. How does an alleged "urban legend" end up in an international team like the JLA? Well, in Gotham anything is now possible it seems. Batman has access to the Watchtower's files, can use Plastic Man as a ladder to reach things, and he can sit in at JLA meetings and just stare at Wonder Woman and totally get away with it! Oh yeah, and use the transporters to move around just because you can. Yeah, baby!
6 Batarang - Unless you are a cultural Philistine, you know what a boomerang is. The Batarang is the same thing… but it looks like a bat, Now that's funky! Great for bonking villains, knocking feet over, or popping cigarettes out of the mouths of li'l kids who shouldn't be smoking.
7 Bat costume - This also has to be one of the trippiest costumes out there, kiddies! It looks like they are finally getting rid of that stupid yellow border around the center Bat emblem. Damn straight! The cowl rocks, the cape is MASSIVE (by some renderings), and you get to wear these funky Fluevog boots to top off the whole outfit. Stylin'! Daredevil take note - black and grey blend in much better than RED! SHEESH!
8 Chicks! Chicks! Chicks! - You get some of the raddest femme fatales in your rogues gallery and half of them end up falling in love with you. Now that is charisma, baby! On a more serious note, I totally appreciate how he looks out for Oracle\Barbara Gordon. What a gentleman.
9 Expendable partners - One Robin, two Robin, three Robin… oops! Anyway. You have to admit that having a generic "Robin" for a partner is kinda cool for the reason that you can easily replace dead ones with new improved models ( yes, this is dark humor… don't take me so serious… and put that bloody gun down right now!).
10 World Class Detective Mind - Oops, used to be that pre-Crisis… now a World Class Tightass Nihilist. Yep, he is bleaker and grimmer than ever before. Thank-you so much, Frank Miller, for ushering in the era of the "anti-hero" and taking chipper Bruce Wayne and turning him into "swallow-a-lump-of-coal-and-produce-a-diamond" Bruce Wayne. I liked the early 1980's Batman. Oh, and for those Denny O'Neil and Neil Adams Batman tales from the early 70's. I love that one with Ra's al Ghul standing over a shirtless Batman lying "dead" in the sand; what a brilliant cover! Thanks as well to Grant Morrison for giving us the "World's Greatest Detective" again in JLA the past three years.
11 First-rate Olympic physique - Folks, this guy could seriously kick almost anyone's butt many times over. The man is in as perfect shape as a human ever could… and all that from rigorous self-discipline and training. No super powers! After the recent revelations about who has been behind the whole thing in "No Man's Land" I think it is time Batman kicked some major Lex Luthor arse!
12 Vanity license plates that say "Batman" - What're you still readin' for? That's pretty self-explanatory!
HONORABLE MENTION:
Whirlybat - Oh this is the gem. A chopper built for one. Ideal for those occasions where you save Catwoman and still have to give her a ride home. It is made of cool wood so that if you get lost in the woods you can take out your trusty Bataxe and *VOILA* you have kindling and firewood. Oh, and watch your head as you get out… stupid blades.
Batphone (TV show) - It is funky thinking the commissioner has a direct link to Batman via phone. Thing is, who installed the line? Why is the phone red? Why did it have a glass jar over it? And what if you used call display? Would it give you Batman's address???
Fantastic Rogues Gallery - He has the "best of the best" as we say. The Joker, Two Face, Poisen Ivy, R'as al Ghul, the Scarecrow, and so many more. Batman, you be da gangsta bomb!
Silver St.Cloud - Thank-you, Marshall Rogers, is all I can say!
Duds:
Bathound - Give me a break. What do you call a dog with a mask? Ridiculous. And bait for large carnivorous animals. Where is Beppo the Super Monkey when you really need him?
Robin's first costume - No wonder Dick Grayson went away to college! You want to be 18 years old and runnin' around in that thing? No way, Jose! And what is the deal with those 'lil Peter Pan sandals anyway?
Adam Wests's original Batman costume - Did you know that you can see bobby pins used on the cowl of that baby?! Oh, that and Adam West's flabby gut! Holy baloney sandwiches, Robin!
Adam West as Batman, the Dark Knight?!?! - BWAAAHAAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAA!

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