Too Many Long Boxes!


with the


Top 12 Reasons
to Be a Speedster

by Mark "The Shark" Gillins

Speed Force month! The Flash is by far the coolest superhero around, with by far the most useful superpower of any hero. Superspeed! Think about it! He can act before you can even think! And his power works on so many more levels! Don't believe me? Read on! It doesn't just apply to Wally, but to almost every other speedster out there, as well!
Living a Legacy - As long as you call yourself "Flash", "Kid Flash", use the word "Flash" in your name, or even claim to be related to The Flash himself, you'll find yourself accepted as a hero among the world! Well, that's as long as you can get someone to vouch for you…
Memorials - Every speedster gets a luxurious memorial when he/she dies, and every speedster gets a spot in the grand Flash Museum -- as long as it isn't busy being destroyed by some enraged villain.
Running on Water - Pretty nifty, eh? Being a speedster means that you can run so fast that you won't have time to sink! Not even Aquaman can cross the ocean in the blink of an eye!
Food for Thought - Some speedsters enjoy the Mercury look and have the added convenience of being able to eat wherever he/she is -- the silver hat on their head also works as a great food dish!
Ultimate Frisbee - Oh, and the hat can be used in so many more ways!
City-Wide Infatuation - Wally West was known to have an entire city in California fall in love with him -- who knows, it could happen to ANY speedster! (Just forget the fact that Wally's city was flooded and destroyed!)
Wild Imaginations - Being a speedster means that imaginary friends from your childhood may appear later on in your life to help you save your planet from a universal threat! Exhilerating thought, huh?
The Top Twelve
1 Time Travel - Whether you're using the time treadmill or you're skimming the speed force, being able to go back in time and inspire yourself as a little kid to hang in there is a neat trick! Speedsters get all the fun of having villains they've killed show up later in their lives, even though to the villains themselves they may have never met before! And how would you like to fight alongside your descendants to rid the timeline of a universal threat? Simply fantastic!
2 Alternate Timelines - Only in "The Flash" are you able to meet an alternate version of yourself without actually breaching the limits of Hypertime (according to Mr. Waid, the "Dark Flash" story does not involve his new, twisted, "multiple Earths" theory). Not only is our Earth getting visits from alternate timeliners, but apparently Wally now has the ability to reach other Earths through the Speed Force!
3 Super Metabolism - Eat all you want and burn off the calories in thirty minutes or less! Need I say more?
4 Condensed Speed Force Costume - Getting tired of those unappealing tears and holes you keep acquiring every time you go up against Doomsday? Simply get one of these costumes and not only will it instantly fix itself, but you'll never have to lug around an extra suitcase! The condensed Speed Force costume changes into whatever attire your thoughts can command!
5 Speed Reading - Nothing like studying for finals in 12 seconds flat so you can keep your mind on more important things, like that certain someone special, or the giant ape that's about to smash your head in!
6 Mathematic Applications - Those crazy calculus courses you took all through high school and college, combined with the few things you learned from chemistry, allows you to come up with cool formulas like "3X2(9YZ)4A" that will not only make you look faster, but also make you look like you know what you're doing. All that tuition finally pays off!
7 Being a Ladies' Man - Gaining access to the Speed Force ensures that you'll meet plenty members of the opposite sex, and they might even return in your future to make an attempt at your life! While some, like Tina McGee, may remain valuable allies, others, such as Frances Kane or Lady Flash, simply go crazy over losing you and may even seek training under Savitar simply to get revenge!
8 Vibrating Through Solid Objects - Most people look like idiots when they run straight for a wall, but if you've got the speed, then you've got no worries! Most speedsters can simply vibrate their molecules and pass through most solid objects. Of course, about 1 in 10 speedsters end up destroying the object they pass through, causing it to explode with energy. However, this can be viewed as yet another advantage.
9 Unknown Relatives - Becoming a speedster means that you'll have other speedsters popping up from the past, future, or even from other existences calling you by "Cousin", "Nephew", or even "Dad"!
10 Cunning Villains - Not every speedster-enemy is himself an actual speedster, so he/she has to make up for that with intricate plots that will leave speed as a pointless trait or maybe even a threat to the hero.
11 Impersonations - Speedsters always get good laughs when they impersonate each other. Some great times were had when Eobard Thawne made everyone think that he was Barry Allen and went back in time to torment Wally. Oh, yeah, and then there's this whole thing with Walter West, the Dark Flash. His crazy antics will surely leave SOME sort of whimsical scar in everyone's funny bone. The other speedsters usually take turns impersonating The Flash when he's out of town or not in condition to run.
12 Roundtrip Tickets to the Speed Force - No matter how many times you enter the Speed Force, making that traumatic journey to the place where most don't return, you'll always be able to come back as long as you've got an anchor of some sort. It's more romantic if this anchor is a soul partner of some sort, but I like to imagine that a big bowl of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese is reason enough for anyone to return from heaven.
Runner Ups:
Evil Twins - Almost as funny as having an impersonator, but this time your actual flesh and blood comes at you with a vengeance, creating a millenium of senseless havoc.

Team Membership - Whether it's with the JLA or the Titans, being part of something larger always gives you the chance to make yourself known, flirt with the team leader, or to simply make wisecracks about Green Lantern behind his back!

Super Friends - No matter what, you can't say you won't have friends to watch your back as a speedster. People like Piper can hook you up with any technological device you may need, and the McGees can run any lab tests you may need. Once you're in the biz, it's like the help finds YOU!

Cheap Construction Bills - Putting back together a town you've inadvertently destroyed in a brawl will give you the experience you need to someday build your own home(s) in under 30 seconds -- all by yourself!

Low on the Totem Pole:
Inexperienced Speed Force Travel - When you first travel near/to the Speed Force, you may find yourself actually turning into a form of energy upon returning to the normal realm. This could ruin your chances of making up to your girlfriend for being so strangely out-of-the-ordinary lately.

Flirting With the Devil - Neron is not one to be played with, yet being a speedster sometimes means being forced to do his dance. Fortunately you'll only lose your girlfriend for a couple days, and then when Neron sees how happy you were together he'll learn to play nice… until he decides he wants the power of the Spectre.

Haircuts - Big bucks to keep cutting the big hair, my impulsive friend.

Big Feet - And what's worse -- the big feet that come with the big hair! Have a fun time trying to run to your full ability when you can't even see the ground you're touching.
Bathroom Breaks - I just realized this: If The Flash is constantly eating to keep up with his metabolism… aaaah.. nevermind. I just think it'd be a little distracting in the middle of a bargain with Neron to have to find some little corner in Hell real quick.
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