by Adrian Tullberg
Another ten-minute parody. Warning; this borders on the legal definition of assault
Superman, Green Lantern, and Batman were waiting for the others to arrive for the usual JLA meeting.
Superman was passing the time by taking a few sheets of paper, signing 'Clark Kent-Lane' over and over, and on a separate column, 'President Luthor's Bitch'.
Green Lantern was busy greasing his ring finger.
Batman was engaging in his favorite stress therapy; holding a little doll with 'Joel Schmacher's Career' written on it, and rapidly stabbing a knitting needle into the offending idol.
"Aquaman nearly drowns half of Metropolis hey, he's still one of the guys Green lantern dreams up a supervillain which nearly destroys the Earth no problems Wonder Woman beats up the entire League forget about it I make plans to non-lethally take down these guys in case the telepath of the week gets lucky I - Get - Kicked - Out!" The last few words were punctuated with stabs which punched through the doll and gouged holes in the table top.
"Well face it Bats the higher up you are on the totem pole the greater the penalties "
Batman sneezed. By remarkable coincidence the expulsion of air sounded remarkably like 'Lewinski'.
As the rest of the League filed in, half-wasted from last night's killer party held by Aquaman (a hopeless attempt at gaining popularity, but, as Martian Manhunter had stated, free alcohol is free alcohol) Supergirl (the midriff showing version) entered the room, waving a piece of paper. "Hey! I got an address!"
Batman and Superman got up and looked at the note, both nodding sagely. "I thought it might be her, but I was hoping against it "
"She can track the transporters. Better take a shuttle down."
Superman turned to the rest of the League. "Batman, Supergirl, and I have been affected by something that threatens to envelop the entire JLA. We are going planetside to stop it "
Superman turned, but Batman had made his trademark disappearance trick.
Superman pinched the end of his nose. "Batman, we know you're just hiding under the table."
"OH MY GOD!" screamed Kyle. "IT'S BEEN HIM UNDER THERE?"
Everyone looked at him oddly. "What are you on about?"
"Er nothing "
Wonder Woman got up. "If you're going there, can you drop me off "
"Er, you'd better not."
"It means that you'll be sitting next to Batman on the way and you know what this author's like."
"Oh." She quickly sat down as the three entered the shuttle hangar.
"Batman, would you just "
"I am not sitting next to you."
"If you just "
"Is The Authority still selling?"
"Well, yes, but "
"They are not going to leap to any conclusions just because you're going to sit on a seat a full foot away "
"They are going to leap to conclusions because you, Wally, Arthur even Kyle is getting some on a regular basis, and Jiminez is going to hook Wondy up but me "
Superman and Supergirl mouthed 'DC's biggest selling and greatest character' as Batman said it.
" I'm not getting any at all! Do you know how many people are saying something is going on with Robin and me?"
The whining continued until they reached their destination.
"You did this to us, didn't you?"
Oracle looked at the three, frowning. "Did what?"
"Forged internal memos in the DC offices and invented petitions from parents organizations to model the regular Comics Universe on the Animated Shows." stated Superman. "Thanks to you, I'm now completely lost in my home city! Do you know it's hard to look heroic when they've relocated Police Headquarters with a Starbucks?"
"Take a look at this!" Batman hissed. "Finally I got a useful all-black costume! Now I'm back to the exterior underwear again! How the hell can anyone take me seriously when I'm wearing Speedos on the outside of my spandex?"
"They might think you're a middle-aged man with delusions of grandeur covering a narcissistic inadequacy complex." stated Superman.
"That's exactly shut up!"
The blond took up the spiel and stepped forward. "Look at me!" shouted Supergirl "Tight top, cheap wig, and a shorter skirt than ever!"
She turned back to face Superman and Batman, who quickly pretended to be looking somewhere else. "Why the hell did you do this?"
"Why?" Oracle pointed at her wheelchair. "I'm still upright in the toons! Now there's a movement to get me out of this chair!" She sat back with a grin of triumph.
Superman shook his head. "You thought you could just manipulate a major company?"
Batman groaned, recognizing the signs, and pressed 'play' on a tape recorder with 'The Star Spangled Banner' pre-loaded.
The music swelled, along with Superman's voice. "Did you think you could just adjust the policy of one of this country's great entertainment conglomerates? Make them follow your mandates concerning one of their own products? Just casually butt in on their Constitutional Right to Free Speech? Just bend them over and "
Barbara simply produced the DVD 'Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker, Censored, Sanctified, and Violated for Kiddies!'
"Oh." Superman turned back to the others. "Back to the Watchtower!"
As Batman and Superman left, Supergirl quickly went to Barbara, and pointed to the DVD. "Do you want that?"
"This? Hell no." She passed it over. "You want to watch it?"
"Nah. But I'm in the market for a decorative coaster "
All characters are DC Comics
This piece is © 2001 by Adrian Tullberg .
Fanzing is not associated with DC Comics.
All DC Comics characters, trademarks and images (where used) are DC Comics, Inc.
DC characters are used here in fan art and fiction in accordance with their generous "fair use" policies.
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