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"Imp-ossible Law Cases" Dept.

Superman v. Mxyzptlk

by Michael Hutchison

Before The Supreme Court

In a controversial court case, Mr. Mxyzptlk contends that he did not spell "KLTPZYXM"; rather, he spelled "KLTPZYKN" which was misinterpreted due to "dimpled fonts".

Legal history will be made in upcoming weeks as a dispute between Superman and the fifth-dimensional provocateur Mr. Mxyzptlk takes an amazing turn...into the chambers of the Supreme Court. Both parties have procured legal representation to decide once and for all whether the imp did or did not spell his name backwards in the clouds above Metropolis on the afternoon of November 7, 2000.

Mr. Mxyzptlk is an imp from the fifth dimension whose vast powers are the equivalent of magic to the people of our world. Unable to defeat or imprison the being, Superman has managed to save Earth from his continued rampages by winning a contest. In the current contest, as in many previous times, the challenge was to somehow get the imp to speak, spell or form his (Mxyzptlk's) name backwards.

On November 7, Superman encountered the imp in Metropolis, where Mxyzptlk was causing citizens to walk on their hands. After agreeing upon terms for their contest, Superman was forced to contend with a rampaging dragon which sprang from a billboard for "Dungeons and Dragons". Superman formed a crude bridle from heavy duty cable at a nearby construction zone and then proceeded to wrestle with the monster while flying it through the clouds, with Mxzptlk flying ahead and urging the dragon on. Superman pointed out to Mxyzptlk that the clouds had been reshaped by the confrontation and now spelled out "KLTPZYXM" from an Earthbound angle.

Or did it? Mr. Mxyzptlk disputed the cloud shapes as well as the manner in which they were formed. His legal representative, Mr. F. Flashman, asserts that the M was actually an N and the X looked more like a K due to what he called "dimpled fonts". As he allegedly spelled "KLTPZYKN", Mr. Mxyzptlk contends that he did not lose the contest and thus doesn't have to return to his dimension for a period of 90 days.

Superman insists that he wrestled with the dragon in such a way as to reshape the clouds and that he was very careful. The photographs of dozens of reporters and amateur photographers seem to corroborate this, but the last two letters had started to lose coherence and might be in question.

All photographic evidence may be inadmissable due to Mxyzptlk's ability to reshape reality. During earlier court cases, the imp held up one of the pieces of photographic evidence to show how his backwards name was incorrectly spelled...and then, in an eyeblink, the clouds reshaped to form the correct spelling. As the jury gasped, it changed again to show the Zapruder film of JFK's assassination, a cute picture of two kittens fighting over a computer mouse, a picture of President Lex Luthor giving the finger, and finally Superman in boxer shorts. Thus, due to tampering, the credibility of all photographic evidence is in question.

The debate over whether Superman or Mxyzptlk won has divided the nation over the past weeks. While there is much affection for Superman, Mxyzptlk immediately took to the airwaves to loudly protest the way Superman was "stealing this contest." On shows such as Larry King Live and Jack Ryder's Hot Seat, Mxyzptlk has gone into great detail about how the X is actually a "pregnant K" and the M may actually be an N with a "hanging leg."

Superman, Earth's greatest superhero, has often been described as "the world's greatest boy scout"...a back-handed compliment which is also sometimes an insult about Superman's ethical code and straight-laced attitude. While Superman always rates high in opinion polls, there are nevertheless many who secretly harbor ill will towards him for not being "hip".

On the late night talk shows, Superman has gotten a drubbing from Letterman, Leno, Conan, Jon Stewart (the host, not the Green Lantern), Bill Maher and Dennis Miller...all of them criticizing Superman's fashion sense, morals and sexuality. Mxyzptlk has made great gains by appearing on all the shows, where he comes across as a harmless humorist with a quick wit and eye-popping powers.

Thus, despite early expectations that Superman would be easily proven the winner, there are now 30% to 58% of the public who believe Superman stole the contest according to various polls. The Supreme Court is considering the case and may rule as early as next week.

Daily Planet reporter Lois Lane, who was rescued by Superman in his first public appearance and gave the hero his name, wrote an editorial defending the Man of Steel in hopes that it would prevent a drawn-out court case. This has led to scathing portrayals of Lois Lane in the media, where she is often portrayed as a whore in bad make-up and many now allege that she has cheated on her husband with Superman.

Meanwhile, Mr. Mxyzptlk faces a civil suit on behalf of a half dozen LexCorp security agents who were permanently crippled when the imp folded them up like Transformer toy robots during a previous rampage.

 
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