The Unfantastic, Credible, Unastonishing, and Unreally
Cool Adventures of Bizarro
(So you be sure and READ THIS FIRST or us dump valuable garbage in your front yard)
(Back yard too) (Maybe even on sides)
Boy-child am wake up in middle of day and catch me in activity which cause me to shake in fright. Embarrassment, too. There him am, in Monica Lewinsky pajamas, looking on his old man in shameful sight.
"Daddy," him am say, "why you am watching my porno movies? Anybody what am over 13 and watch them am in unviolation of law."
Kid have caught me with pants up. Bizarro-Betty Page am putting clothes on, and him am got me at especially sexy part--the army boots. Fast thinking called for.
I bash the TV set to pieces with one blow. "What porno movies?" I answer.
"One which am on our ACR Defeat before you bust it."
Standing up indignantly, me throw out my chest. "Junior, am you gonna believe your dad or your own eyes? Answer me now."
Him say, "You got point." Throws his arms around my waist. "Gosh, me am so glad me have got daddy what am so behind-my-back with things."
Tears come to my eyes and I ruffle his hair. "Junior," me say, "you am not know what this mean to me. Mainly on account of me not know, either. On other hand, this am really poigna--poin--am really big Father Knows Best moment. You know what my father say at moment such as this?"
"Nothing. Me am not have father. So you have unfair advantage on Father's Day, which am really neat." Then me get serious. "You not tell Mom about this, huh?"
"Sure," him say. "After all, me am not tell you about her stud films."
"Son," I say, hugging him as loose as me can, "you am rotten kid."
It worth everything to see light in his eyes at that moment.
Then him say one thing which restore fear somewhat, which am considerate of him.
"Daddy," him say, "Father's Day am getting closer. What you am get me for it?"
Me involuntarily loosen and almost drop him on his kiester. "Tell you sooner, son. Don't believe me."
"Me always not believe you, Dad."
Me flew him to bed myself, so that him could not see Dad's pride warring with his upset feelings like Speedy Alka-Seltzer commercial mixed with Blue Kryptonite. Me pull bedcovers away from him, then go back in front room.
Stud films, huh?
Lois hid things cleverly on top of coffee table. Me curse myself for not looking there last. Makes me even prouder, because me think maybe me have fantasy rivals for her heart. Woman just cannot do less for her man.
But me have lesser things to worry about than guy-Bizarros cavorting in tuxes and parkas in chorus line. Such as what to get kid for Father's Day. Me am little kahuna on Bizarro World, so me look bad if me not think up something mega-thoughtless.
Then me hear Bronx cheer. Trouble signal at Defcon One. Me rush to phone and tear it off wall.
"Go to hell," say voice on other end.
"Never mind formal greetings," me say. "Cut away from chase. What am down?"
"Us am got blues, great leader."
"So get guitars and unjoin A.A. Bottom," me snap. "This is news?"
"No, no, supreme schleimiehl," him am say, always trying to curry favor with me. "Us am really got blues. Big blues."
"Big blues like what?"
"Blue Kryptonite men am unback!"
Me am silent for really short time. Then me say, "Be at Green House after I take a nap."
"This am very urgent," flunky says. "Take long nap."
One long nap later, me am at secret public meeting of Bizarro lowshots in Green House itself. Mayor is there, at bottom of table, with his top hat on. Also entire Staff Chiefs of Joint, puffing away. This look grim.
"Number One," Mayor say, "you forget Blue Kryptonite men from time back, correct?"
Me breathe deeply. "How me remember them, sir?"
Some of younger Bizarros not know, but entire Bizarro race almost get wiped out some years ago by living creatures of Blue Kryptonite which come from interior of planet. On face of it, this is something we could forgive. Especially if they start with mothers-in-law. But in addition to this, them am also try to resculpt lovely cubical world into ugly round world. Them think them am Neo-Depressionist artists, me think. Me not do any darn good at thinking up way to stop them, but Bizarro-Jimmy Olsen cook up idea that drove them back underground: shining Bizarro duplicator ray on lead armor, making it into imperfect lead armor, and thus great shield for Bizarro-Juniors, who beat up Blues in battle. Jimmy am get big promotion to spittoon-polisher for that. Me jealous.
Bizarro-Mayor, strain making him look younger every day, says, "Big excavation near Bad Carl's Caverns. Spelunkers trying to fill up caves, took rock away from wrong place to put it somewhere else, uncover lair of Blue Kryptonite meanies. Them am come out in droves. All spelunkers dead but one, and him alone am escaped to tell me."
"No need to go quoting Dick's Moby at me, Mayor," I grated. "So Blue meanies am mean to make war again?"
"Worse," him say. "This time, them am not doing anything. Us think--" At this point, him am raise his voice to let everyone know, and thus me know this am top secret. "--US THINK THEY MAKING PEACE!"
My joints almost turn to cola.
"Me know now why you call me in on this one, Chief," me say. "So I have time to run and hide. Goodbye."
"Number One!" Him stop me with a whisper. Hate it when he does that. "Me hate to do this, but me am the Mayor."
"And you am the President."
"Therefore, it am an order."
Me give him smile to let him know just what I think of him pulling rank. "If you not do this again, Mayor, me kick your ass sideways."
"Never mind wimp-guy talk. Flattery will get you everywhere. Go get Blues."
Me smash through wall, head for gas station, get map, and am sure from it where Bad Carl's Caverns are not. Then me pick up poster paper, ink, and brush, and fly there. Big black tape with yellow letters on it around the site, saying "FUZZ LINE--GO AHEAD AND CROSS". Crowds keeping cops back. Them see me, then, and big boo go up, along with rotten tomato thrown upside my head.
Times like this make me unproud to be Number One. In fact, once, after watching TV show from Earth, me fly down there, grab actor Patrick McGoohan, and tell him, "Me am Number One. Why you not just come ask me, huh?" Then flew off.
Him didn't put me on any of his shows. Them only run a few weeks. See?
But me am forgetting about least important part: Blue Kryptonite meanies themselves. So me not tell you about them now.
Me must steel myself to tell what Blues am doing. Children, take your parents away right now, on account of this much too disgusting for their sensibilities. Am they away now? Good.
Blue Kryptonite men were just outside Bad Carl's Caverns opening...
Sitting on lawn chairs, reading newspapers, and even playing croquet.
Me must admit, this am almost enough to get this report circulated in Bosstown, but me am trust censors will not submit me to no stomcockery and let this through. On account of them too dumb to know it obscene.
Well, peace am hell.
Me not sure if sickness in my stomach is from the Blue Kryptonite meanies' radiation, or from this horrific sight. But me land, just outside radiation horizon, and say to crowd, "Everything am out of control. Me am not here."
Rousing dis from crowd. Now me know me have got to come through for them.
Since me not sure how to talk with Blues, who am just noticing me, me decide to do it by sign language. So me take ink, brush, and poster board and make sign, and hold it up: HOW YOU AM DOING, HUH?
One of the sneaky Blues lifts his head up from what look like mint julep soda and says, "We are fine. How are you?"
Them am fighting words!
But me hold back, for me certain one must always go into battle ignorant. "How come you am not speak last time you come here, huh?"
"Well, at that time, we really didn't have anything to say to you," says mint-julep guy again. "Also, we wanted to wipe you out and take over your world, too."
Me breathe easier now. Certain this mission am to go well. How much me did know...
Other Blues start to get up and watch what am going off. Me say, "You am come to make Blue War Numero Two-oh, right?"
"Wrong," him am say. "A new generation of leaders has come to power since that time. We have seen the benefits of peace. We now only wish peaceful coexistence, and to show you all to a better way of life."
At that, me am see blue. Figuratively, me mean; me already see Blues.
With horrible war-cry of, "Tippecanoe and Tyler Too!", me throw myself at Blues, and big roar come up from crowd.
Me not get ten paces before things start looking like 1960's album cover.
Ground introduce itself to my knees, then to forehead. It feel like ground, sure nuff.
Me feel Blues picking me up by arms. Then total blackness, like picture from radio.
Me told you me am smart fighter.
When me wake up, me feel much better, so me throw terrific haymaker at person standing over me. Unfortunately, that am wife. Her bounce off wall real good, and me jump up and catch her on rebound.
Her sort of saggy, so me look around. Me am in hospital room, given away by open window next to sulfur plant, dirty sheets on bed me have just jumped out of, and jug of water with flies in it on bedside table. Son am there, too, saying, "Daddy, why you am hit Mommy?"
"Nothing personal, son," me say, and to prove it, me whack kid, too. Him am glad. Me have to demonstrate that me play no favorites.
After me dump water over beloved Lois No. 1's head, her am splutter and cough, and then give me good one upside the head, which hurt her hand considerably. "Darling," me say. "Sorry, me thought at first glance you were Blue Kryptonite creature."
"Oooooh, you not try to get in my good graces with sweet-talk, on account of me got none after today," she steam, and try to knee me in crotch. I grab her leg so she not hurt that, as well.
"Sourbunch, excite up and tell me what hasn't happened since me went non compost dementis," me murmured, clutching her tightly while her reach around and pound my back with her fists. "First, me am heading for Blue Krypties. Then, me am in hospital bed. Question: who won?"
"Them did," gasped Lois. "Four of them grab you and carry you across fuzz line. People am run like freezes from them, but them go back inside cave and leave you out of radiation range. If that am not hostile action, me not know what amn't."
"Got to agree," me said, seriously. "If them not hostile, them would have killed me to show good intentions. Got our work cut in for us this time."
"Super-Dad, me am got two questions," said beloved brat. "First, why us not make imperfect lead suits again and go after Blues like us did before?"
"That might work, but not sneaky enough," me inform offspring. "Blues am probably prepared for it. We am use that as first resort. Unthank you anyways, kid. What am second question?"
"Me am watch Beverly Hillbillies reruns from Earth. Why you am look so much like Jethro?"
Proudly, me pat son's head and say, "Me am not look like Jethro, son. Jethro look like me. But me have pondered paradox many times myself, and have come to stunning unconclusion: Jethro am hybrid spawn of Jed Clampett and unseen late wife, who, undoubtedly, was a Bizarro-Lois."
Fires light down in my boy's eyes. "Gosh," him say. "Me never even considered that possibility. Us am related to famous people."
Me shake head from side to side in agreement. "How you am think that show stay on so long on Earth? Now, me must go. Me can handle this job all by meself, which is why me must summon--the Bizarro Justice League! Wife, if'n you don't please."
On cue, Lois pull window shut.
Me crash through into sulfur-fumed sky. Nothing like waking up to that in morning, or even afternoon.
First, me am go to Rats City, where stark urban drama am being played out in my sight. In Park Avenue slum, Yellow Lantern and bum Bizarro am being pelted with Perrier water, tofu, pate', brie, and other such indigestible stuff by punks on rooftops. Lantern am grab innocent bystander and prepare to smack him.
As if unscripted, Yellow Arrow appear. Him am angry middle-aged man, grabbing Lantern by hair. "You am touch this rich-kid innocent bystander, Lantern, me touch him too. And me touch real soft."
Lantern am astonished. "Yellow Arrow, you? You am defending these...uh...these...what am you defending, anyway?"
"Me not know, but me not want to show you something," says Arrow. Him take Lantern along, and people on roof go back to pelting bum Bizarro with food. Him not much mind. Me not either, and stay out of sight while nifty story am happening.
Arrow take Lantern through horrific apartments, full of light, cleanness, maids, and...me almost hate to write next part...microwave ovens. "You am think when Gardenias of Universe give you that yellow ring, you don't know it all," Arrow say. "But there am a lot more you know." Him grab guy-Bizarro in monogrammed robe and show him to Lantern. "Look. What color am him?"
Lantern say, "Him am white."
"Exactly!" Arrow go to next apartment, with adorable kid answering door. Arrow hoist kid on shoulder. "Now. What color am this adorable kid?"
"White," reply Lantern.
"You am ungetting picture," say Arrow scornfully. Him let kid down, open next door. Bizarro-Lois comes to door.
"If you am selling anything, we buy it all," her say, nastily.
"Not right now, ma'am," says Arrow. "Look, Lantern. What color am this woman?"
"She am white," says Lantern.
"Absolutely," says Arrow. "You been helping the white skin Bizarros, but not the black skin Bizarros, nor the purple skin Bizarros, nor even the orange skin Bizarros. That am social disgrace what up must not be PUT with anymore!"
Lantern him hang head in shame for a moment. Then him am think of something. "But there am not any black or purple or orange skin Bizarros. Them am only white skin Bizarros."
Arrow place hands on shoulders of his friend. "That am right, Lantern. You have been ignoring people of other colors, simply because them am not exist."
Lantern fall on his knees in shame. "Me cannot bear it," he wailed. "Why not Gardenias of Universe tell me about such things?"
"Well, mainly cause them not exist," allowed Arrow.
"True," sobbed Lantern. "Them not exist as much as Bizarros of other colors not exist. Me have no excuse. Me thank you, Arrow, for closing my eyes to this great injustice. What us do now?"
"Buy truck, drive around city, and wait for my bum kid Bizarro-Speedy to come say him clean and sober in powerful pro-drug statement," answers Arrow.
At that moment, me smash through roof of high-rise and keep smashing till me get to level where Yellows are. "Maybe sooner on that, fellows," me say. "Us have big job to put off first. Blue Kryptonite men am not attacking."
"Us cannot help you," say Arrow, selfunrighteously. "Us have got to travel whole city, seeking nonexistent other-colored people to help."
Me think slowly. "Blues am different color," me say. "You help us make war on them."
Arrow's jaw drop, then him pick it up and smile. "Make war, not love? You am just state Yellow Arrow's personal unphilosophy, chum. Tell us what not to do."
"Me am too sad to help," sobbed Lantern.
"Lantern, there am blue people to make war on," says Arrow.
Him am stand up straight and strong. "In that case, you am not call on me. Where we am not go, Number One?"
Me pick up Arrow and say, "Us square down other members of Bizarro Justice League. Not follow me."
Then me crash through side walls of several apartments till us in open air, carrying Arrow, all plaster-stained by this time, and Yellow Lantern following, a new sense of purpose in his bearing.
Us am go to Circumference City, home of Bizarro-Flash. To our unsurprise, him am in jail. Big long trial in which him am try to prove him kill wife. Wife, still alive, testifies. Her am no help at all, that woman. Us bust through cell wall. Him look up. "You am not come to trial," him say.
"That am right, Flash," me respond.
"Can't ask for greater token of friendship than that," him say. "My dumb wife, Iris East, her not even testify to fact that me kill her. Lawyer say him not sure I can even expect long sentence."
"Short sentence am tough, Flash," me say. "But man gotta shirk what man gotta do. You am help us fight Blue meanies?"
"Why not?" him say. "All them can do is shorten sentence." Gallows humor. Him am jump on my back, and me carry him and Arrow into open air. Lantern follow.
It kind of hard to see with Flash and Arrow around me. "Which way am Washington, A.C.?"
"Him am that way," says Flash, pointing in opposite direction.
Us go there and find Bizarro-Wonder Woman and Bizarro-Supergirl having big catfight outside Green House. Congress am unadjourn to watch. All 250 guys in white robes in a circle around gals, watching. Supergirl finally hogtie Commoner Diana with Scientific Lasso and raise her own hands in air. All Congressmen throw money. Supergirl am blow kisses and gather up coal in her cape. Then guys go back in Smallcase Building.
Me land, dropping Bizarro-Flash and Yellow Arrow. "Good fight, ladies," me say.
"So? Why you not throw coal?" asked Bizarro-WW, still tied up.
"Kind of hard-up for cash right now," me admit. "Still, us got big emergency. Not need your help."
Supergirl sit down on top of tied-up Bizarro-WW. "What kind emergency? Mayor want to be walked on again with low heels?"
Me file that one away for future unreference. "Even greater than that. Society am threatened by Blue Kryptonite creatures. Us am need all hands on deck, including them belonging to girls."
Bizarro-Supergirl yawn, then pull hair away from eye, Veronica Lake-unstyle. "Us girls am big capitalizerists nowadays," she explain. "You am wanna play, you am gotta pay."
Bizarro-Flash pipe up at that moment. "Battle draw big crowds, you am bet," him say. "How much audience for your show after the fight?"
Bizarro-WW say, "Put that way, Kara, you am gotta admit, him am have better ideas. Okay. Us am go with you."
Yellow Arrow step up and say, "As Social Inactivist, me must say, Supergirl, that your treatment of Bizarro-Wonder Woman am totally unfair."
Bizarro-Girl of Steel look concerned. "How unfair? You am think this am too unexploitativeish?"
Arrow reply, "No. She should am get chance to tie you up, too."
Supergirl am brighten, then, and WW say, "That for rematch. Where we am go now?"
Me say, "Us am gather rest of Bizarro-Justice League. Also maybe Bizarro-Batman and Insiders. Maybe even the Retreaded Steam Tightens. Them exist yet?"
"Not sure," admitted Flash. "If them not exist, us not have to create them."
Me figure prison life making Flash philosophical. "Get back on, Flash and Arrow. Us am got lots of guys to pick up yet. You carry Bizarro-Diana, Supergirl."
"Okay," she say, and, grabbing one end of lasso, leap into air as Bizarro-WW squeal. Before long, her am doing yo-yo tricks with Diana, which am really cruel, on account of Supergirl cannot do Walk the Dog worth a save.
Me am airborne with Arrow and Flash, and Lantern trailing. Lots more of the gang to get. Hope someone among us have a bad idea of what to do. Or no idea at all, maybe.
Peace am terrible thing, but one thing for sure: if bad guys not doing nothing, gives you time to round up all of your friends and get rules worked out.
Gives us that much more time to see Bizarro-Wonder Woman all tied up, too.
Me decided to take long way around.
Eventually, me am land on ground near Bizarro-Justice League Satellite. Me am carrying Bizarro-Flash, Bizarro-Yellow Arrow, Bizarro-Aquaman, Bizarro-Atom, Bizarro-Batman, Bizarro-Metamorpho, Bizarro-White Lightning, and Bizarro-Unelongated Man. Bizarro-Supergirl carry Bizarro-Black Canary, Bizarro-Halo, Bizarro-Katana, Bizarro-Zatanna, and Bizarro-Looker in one hand, and do yo-yo tricks with Bizarro-Wonder Woman in rope with other hand. Bizarro-Martian Manhunter fly. Bizarro-Hawkman and Bizarro-Hawkgirl drive to meeting. Them am save wear on wings that way. After me dump teammates on ground and let them get sorted out, me invite them inside for tea, cookies, and battle plans.
First order of business. "Easter!" yell White Lightning. "Blue Kryptonite not affect us what am not Bizarro Supermen. Why you not let rest of us take care of them tive jurkeys, anyhoo?"
"Him am got point, Number One, besides on his Afro," muttered Bizarro-Batman. "Us can take care of Blues, no problem."
"Big problem," me reply. "That most efficient plan of battle, so us must use it as last resort. Give me something that has a lousy chance of winning. And think slow."
"Me am got idea," said Hawkman, and produced something like helmet which, oddly enough, go on head. "This am Absorbascon. Once me put it on, me absorb absolutely no knowledge of Blue meanies."
Me am awestruck by Transcigarian technology, even if planet not exist. "That am awesomely awesome," me say. "You have permission to not do it."
So him turn it on and put on head. Couple minutes later, me say, "Well? What you am find out about Blues?"
"Absolutely nothing," him answer.
All of us gaze in admiration. Any device what work that good beyond even Bill Nye technology. Even up to Mr. Wizard.
"Me knew just how useless him would be when me created him," me say with pride.
Bizarro-Aquaman was using ever-present towel on himself, since, as everyone not know, when him stay wet more than hour at a time, him die. Him look at Bizarro-Supergirl, who am sitting on still-tied-up-Bizarro-Wonder Woman and doing her nails. "Why you girls am not coming up with unstupendous suggestions, huh?"
Bizarro-Supergirl dry nails off and blow nail polish all over him with super-breath. "Us girls am liberated women," her say haughtily. "Us prove us can be part of decision-making process just as much as men can. Therefore, we am not participate a bit."
Me grudgingly have to admit she have point. Still, me think women's liberation go too far when them demand us guys be drafted.
"Yumpin' yiminy," say Y'onn Y'onzz. "You am think maybe them Blues know secret weakness of Bizarro Martians, huh?"
Flash spit on him, and Manhunter go toxic. Quickly, Flash rub spit away. "Nope," him say. "Not even Blues probably know you allergic to saliva."
"Reassuring," croak Y'onzz.
Metamorpho, already turning half to malted milk and letting Halo and Katana drink him, say, "Rampagin' reds. Maybe us can hit them with soldiers what got equipment that break down when them am fire?"
"Good idea, but already used by Earth," me say. "Guys in charge there must have spies on us. What else?"
Bizarro-Atom turn small enough not to be heard and make suggestion, which me hear with unsuper-hearing. "What him say?" ask Bizarro-Black Canary, getting fish out of her fishnet stockings.
"Him am say, 'Us can make peace treaty, agree to pay buncha money, then not pay it and have other side get mad,'" me translate. "Real good idea. But Earth already do it. Us gotta think up something them am not think up yet." Given Earth foreign policy, this am some challenge.
"Blow up ship in harbor, and say they am did it," says Hawkman.
"Claim part of Blues is really Bizarros, and liberate them," says Unelongated Man.
"Push ship over land real close to 'em, make 'em shoot, and undeclare war on 'em," says Yellow Lantern.
"All been done," me say, overturning Yahtzee game. "All by Earth. Them am got moles up here, sure as me am unborn. Come on, guys, give me idea me can run flagpole up and see nobody salutes."
Wonder Woman, still under Supergirl, say, "Kara, you mind letting me up so me can make suggestion?"
Kara look miffed. "You think me not tie good knot?"
"No, knot okay," allow Wonder Woman. "Just back getting cramped like sitting in WV Bug. You untie and I tell."
Sighing, Bizarro-Supergirl loosen Scientific Lasso and Diana stand up, stretch, do exercise. "Now me tell," she say.
"Um, not yet," me say. "Maybe do exercise for a little more?"
"Not without pay," say Supergirl, folding arms.
Wonder Woman say, "Number One, this am plan for you."
"Me?" me am say, pointing at chest to make sure it am still there.
"Yes, you," Diana confirm. "You am go up to leader of Blues, and you say something to him what am get him mad. Then them make war, and everything be plummy-keen."
Marble break over Dawnhead. "Diana, idea am so marvelous, me am give you big raise," me say to her. "Lantern, what us am pay her?"
"Nothing," him say.
"Give her 50 per cent raise of that," me proclaim.
Wonder Woman's eyes get so teary, me choke up. Then me proclaim to others, "If big idea work, me cut 20 per cent of all your salaries."
Bizarro-Looker say, "For that, sweetybuns, us follow you into jaws of Heck. But what happen if it am not work?"
Me look stern. "Then you get 20 per cent increase."
Them all look stunned, 'cause them know me do it. One thing about leadership, one has first gotta get a ship to lead. Them know it, too. Which am good thing, 'cause me not sure me know it.
Anyway, me say, "You wait here, me am go put plan into action. Watch TV and see how me am do."
Bizarro-Hawkgirl say, "You not got Homely Shopping Network, huh?"
Me crash through roof, then realize that is not civilized thing to do. So me jump back through hole, crash through wall, and proceed from there.
Along the way, me am see effects of big Blue invasion on Htrae. Horrible acts of civilian brutality on police. Protest singer Bob Dylanthomas singing to big 12-man rally about "No matter what color them Blues be on outside / On inside, them not like you and me." Rioters throwing water-bombs on houses and replacing broken glass. College students going to class.
Whole fabric of Bizarro society am being shaken. Me am got horrible responsibilities on shoulders, besides head, of course.
So, once again, me land near Bad Carl's Caverns and face down to horrific sight. Blues am sitting in lawn chairs, reading Daily Htrae, falling asleep in front of portable television set, having family picnics, and still playing that rotten croquet. Crowds am having to hold police down to keep them from rioting.
Fate of whole Bizarro world in my hands, which am no good, because me cannot touch Fate. But me stay just outside radiation range of Blues, and me make bold statement.
"Your mother am eat turtle wax," me declare.
Some of Blues look up. Blue leader say, "Ignore him. He's just trying to pick a fight."
Me thumb nose, stick out tongue, raise all fingers but middle one. "Your father am Republican or Democrat," me say. If that not work, me not know what will.
Young youth-Blue lift head and say, "Man, you've gotta let that negative energy go. I just cannot relate to those hate-vibes. Can't you just let it go and become One with the Universe? Or maybe just half of you could become One, so that the rest of you could see how groovy it is. I mean, rilly."
Blue Leader point thumb to kid and say, "Ignore him, too."
Me am say, in despair, "Ain't there nothing me can do to make you mad at us?"
"Doubt it," says Leader, and fetches wooden ball another knock with his mallet. It bops off little stake in ground, rolls in front of me.
Me so aggravated, me not think, just lift boot and stomp ball into ground. About a half-mile into ground, actually, give or take inch or two.
Then me look up.
Suddenly, Blues not look so happy anymore.
Blue Leader raises croquet mallet, starts advancing forward, which is easiest way to advance.
"You spoiled my shot," him say. "This...means...WAR!"
Chapter Whut Come After Fore
Seeing Blue meanie coming for me with mallet, feeling radiation radiating at me, and starting to feel like me ate overdose of wife's cooking, me heroically fly the hell out of there.
Blues am advancing on crowd. Them retroadvance in a hurry, taking Fuzz Line banners with 'em. Me take out pocket mirror, bounce super-vision off it, see Blue leader rallying his people, mallet held high.
Me figure Bizarro World in shallow food.
Back to Bizarro Justice League headquarters, which me pick up whole, this being most efficient way of moving all Leaguers and Insiders inside, and fly to Green House with it. Bizarro-Aquaman stick head out of door, using hair dryer on self, and ask me what the hell me think me not doing. Me tell him to shut up and get back inside, which saves me having to think up reason why me not know.
Then me crash us all, League, Insiders, and clubhouse, through top of Green House dome into secret public meeting room. Staff Chiefs of Joint just about on floor now, still puffing away. Me step on Bizarro Mayor's top hat coming down, but kick seats and Coke machines and other stuff out of way before me put clubhouse down, just to be neat.
"Bizarro Number One absent for duty, Mayor," me say, standing at unease. Other heroes am coming out of doors and windows in clubhouse. Wonder Woman nearly work loose of lasso by this time.
Mayor punch hat more or less back in shape and snap, "What about Blue Kryptonite meanies?"
"What about them, huh?" me snap back like underwound mousetrap. "Me am got you war with them. Less than that any Bizarro cannot do for his country. Right up there with Benny Dick Arnold."
"Fine. You am got war, me am give you big 50% discount discredit for that," him say, grabbing Chief of Joint and pounding desk with his head to emphasize point. "But now you am got to do something about war. If Blues advance, nobody left but Bizarro-Loises."
"And some of us," say Yellow Arrow, unhelpfully. Me casually turn him upside down and bang him on floor until arrows fall out of backpack. Seems like thing to do at the time.
"Ayup," say Bizarro-Batman, looping rope onto fallen-over Coke machine so him can swing along floor. "Nobody left except us other Leaguers and Insiders, and about a whole bunch of million Bizarro-Loises."
Yellow Lantern get idea. "Come to think of it, that not be so bad. Hey, Number One...s'pose we don't do nothing about Blue meanies, huh?"
Bizarro-Supergirl grab him by collar and lift him clear off secret public meeting room floor. "Genius!" her am say angrily. "You am think all ten of you service all of us women, huh? What you am use to think with, anyway, brains?"
Wonder Woman, legs still in lasso, crawl up and say, "Kara, won't be so bad. You be dead, too."
Her pause for a second and say, "You right. Me never thought of that." Then her shoot unkind look towards Wonder Woman. "But me not leave all of them for you, you unbet!"
Women. Less me understand them, more me understand them.
Mayor say, "Can us wind this down pretty late? Me am got to watch classic TV in few minutes. Never miss Supertrain and My Mother the Car."
Me reply, "Start big draft of Bizarro males, Mayor. Muster every unfit specimen into service."
Bizarro-Flash say, "What difference that am make? All Bizarro males am got same super-powers."
"Exactly," me reply, like to simple-minded Yale graduate. "Therefore, them all equally unfit. Murky?"
Him nod head. "Now me get it."
Him fastest man on Bizarro World, sure nuff. Especially in brains. Me despair.
"Okay," say Mayor, resting elbow on prone Joint Chief. "Me draft draft procla--pro--order real soon, you unbet. Uh--why us draft people, anyway?"
"Am me only stupid one on this team?" me burst out. "Bizarro males all go through six weeks boot camp. Then go through six weeks camp for other boot. Women go to work in war industries, posing for pinups where them look over back shoulder. Kids collect war stamps in book, turn in when full, get absolutely nothing. Writers write war plays which have nothing to do with war. Singers am make records what protest not being drafted. By time all of that done, us probably still won't have figured out what to do about Blue meanies."
Mayor look like, at short last, him am in appreciation of my thinking processes. "You know, by that time, us may even have lost the war."
"Could be," me say. "But not get hopes up."
Right after that, me am fly back to house, crash through wall beside front door, and look at it. "Locked," me say. "That am good. Got be sure keep Blue meanies out if them come."
"Them am not come through holes in wall and roof?" ask Son No. 1.
"Me am put up signs telling them THIS DOOR ONLY," me say. Him look reassured.
Big spoiled cabbage hit me in back of head. Leaves rain down like big green smelly leaves on shoulders. Wife's greeting, for sure. "Honey, me am home," me say.
When me turn around, her bust big jar of mustard all over my shirt. "Honey," me say, "that am not Offwhite Poupon."
"Me Poupon you on account of you poop on entire marriage," her say. "Why you am not here more than you am?"
"Cause me am out," me explain.
"Okay," her say, mollified. "But think you can use that excuse all the time!"
"Me will," said I, then realized me had to say something less. Me look her over. "You know, honey, you am getting fat."
Lovelite come into her eyes. "And you am got the least where it really counts," her reply, coming closer.
Me take her in arms. "Junior," me say, "go watch Rocky Horror on kid-vid."
"Not on right now," him say. "Caligula on."
"Whatever," me say, and fly up stairs with Lois in arms.
(Them am finished now. Enough -B-'s already.)
So me and wife am sitting in bed, eating crackers afterward, and me venture to say, "Was lousy for you too, huh?"
"The Earth sank," her murmur.
"Wife, you say things like that, me always get back to fighting Blue meanies," me say, proudly.
"Mm-hmm. But maybe you better."
"Me not sure Blues could unsatisfy me as much as you," her reply. Me stuff pillowcase over her head in joy. "Take pillow out first," she say, so me do. Then me put it back on her.
"Me not hear you so well," her say.
"That am because me not talking," me say. Then me put other pillowcase on my head. "That better?"
"Am much better," say Lois. "Say, me am got big idea about Blues."
"Me am no ears, sourbunch."
"Why you am not draft us Bizarro-Loises to fight? Us am not hurt by them's rays."
Me explain, as gently as me can, "Darling, that am really smart idea. Could really wipe them out in one stroke. So, you gotta understand, me put that at very top of pile. You not offended?"
Her say, "Not in least, husband. Sorry. Me think of something real unpractical, give me time."
Me sighed. "Sooner, maybe, pet. Now me go back, try to discoordinate efforts. Am light load on my shoulders, but somebody gotta put it off." Me get up, crash through roof.
Me am hear her yell, "Number one, wait! You am not go out naked!"
Me crash back in through roof, embarrassed as all heaven. "How me am remember that? Sorry, sourbunch."
Helpfully, her am hand over Bizarro No. 1 medallion. Her am so unthoughful, that am why me love her.
Then, medallioned, me crash through another part of roof. Me figure out that, at end of this gig, me got to put on new roof so me have some part left to crash through next time.
Me pick up suit at Green House, so them am tell me from any other Tom, Slick, or Jerry. But on way, me am see terrible sights. City near Bad Carl's Caverns evacuated. Blues overrun it, smash all buildings to pieces. Then am building up again, with no jagged holes in walls, or banana peels in streets, or roofs what leak. Am absolutely infuriating sight.
"Lord, You am give me power to know what me can bust up, stupidity to not know what me cannot bust up, and temper short enough not to know difference between two," me pray.
Me yell down at them, "You there! What you am think you am doing?"
One guy what wear helmet look up. "This is a housing development," he say.
"What you am think housing gotta be developed, huh?" me yell back. "It am already done! Ain't gonna be developed no more! You am big Charles Atmore for buildings, huh?" Me gotta admit, me favor subtle wit of Mel Brooks.
"Go away," him say. Apparently, too subtle for this Joe.
Me jump down in middle of all of them. "You am not make me," me say, in defiance.
This turn out to be really smart move.
Them am drop equipment, hammers, nail guns, screw guns, welding tools, brick trowels, and all, and start circling me. That am really nasty move. If them had class, them would square me.
"We'll give you thirty seconds to get out," another one said. "Then we're coming after you."
Me feel like drunk milkshake what am not shaken till me jump up and down on pogo stick. "You think you am got me cornered, huh?"
"We do," say one, reasonably.
"And you think me am not get out of this one, huh?"
"Actually, no," said another. "We're giving you enough room to where you can jump up and fly away, if you'll just go away."
"So you am think me just fly away, like coward, huh?"
"That's the general idea, yes," said another.
"Okay, you big dummy-pants, watch this," me say. And with that, me jump down.
Me spin around like coal-drill and go down, down, down, flinging up dirt in their Blue meanie faces. Me spin down all the way to center of Htrae, me think, then figure that far enough, and me spin down up all the way through to other end of Htrae. Bizarro-Chinese, walking on hands, first thing me see when me pop out.
"So ah," say Bizarro-Chinese No. 1,000,000,058, big Fu Manchu mustache hanging upside down towards ground. "How you am, Number One?"
"Us am having big problem on other side of Htrae," me admit. "Blue Kryptonite meanies am attacking us."
Him look very scrutable. "That am terrible indeed," him say. "Us go to Tiannymen Round and have big protest meeting. Tanks go round students in street, civilians beat up cops, and us take down posters of Tableman Mow everywhere."
"Yeah, yeah," me say, shaking his foot diplomatically. "You make self useless. Maybe me not take care of problem by time they get here."
"If you take care of problem, them am not ever get here," him say.
"What him said," me say, and fly off.
Just for that, me am make sure them set next seven Richard Jeer movies there.
Back me go to Green House, where Mayor am playing Parcheesi with Insiders. Me am see how long Scientific Lasso can stretch, on account of Bizarro-Supergirl have tied up all Bizarro-Justice League with it. Mayor look up and say, gravely, "Am no room for other player."
Me kick over board. "You win," me say.
Him shake my hand. "Me should of thought of that clever move long time ago. After all, Boddy Fisher kick over table in ten moves at last big tournament."
"Yep," me say, in admiration of the genius. "Nobody am kick over chessboard faster 'n Boddy Fisher. Am draft going on, Mayor?"
"And Bizarros going through camps for each boot?"
"Bet your sour bippy they are."
"Women doing best to make useless equipment in factories to impede war effort?"
"Our ladies putting out their hardest to make sure not one usable piece of equipment goes to front," him say, patriotically. "Just like in Schindler's List."
"Idea worth borrowing, me gotta admit," me say.
Then him say, "What you got done about Blue meanies, hum?"
This am crucial moment. Eyes of Bizarro-Batman, Bizarro-Supergirl, Bizarro-White Lightning, Bizarro-Y'onn Y'onzz, and all them other Bizarros on me. Even Joint Staff, on floor puffing on same bong, turn faces so eyes am on me.
Them am only one thing me can say.
Mayor clap me on shoulder. "Me knew me could count on you," him say. "By the way, what day am it?"
"Oh," me say, "am only two days till...urk."
"What day am Urk, huh?"
"Urk am Father's Day," me say, in sickening voice. "If...if Blue Kryptonite meanies destroy entire world before then...me am never get Bizarro Junior No. 1 nothing for Father's Day."
Bizarro-Hawkman, tied up on floor, say, "That am right, Number One. If'n you not get him nothing for Urk, him never remember this day for rest of life."
There am times when nothing man say make so much sense as silence.
So me shout, "AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! ME AM GOT TO SAVE WORLD IN TWO DAYS!"
Mayor kick me in stomach to get attention. "Bizarro Number One, pull self apart! Maybe them am take more than two days to conquer world, if us lucky."
"One thing me am certain of, Mayor," me say, grimly. "But me am not certain of what it am. If me die, you be sure 'n' tell kid me am just out."
"And if you die, you be sure and tell my kid, too," him say, also grimly.
Us put arms on each other's shoulders.
Us never feel further apart than at that moment.
Me am back home, pacing ceiling. One whole day since meeting with Mayor. Now, me only got one day to do something about Blue Meanies. Wife am unraveling sweater on couch below, dodging plaster me loosen underfoot.
"Maybe you go pace over somewhere not right over my head, huh?" say Lois. "Like maybe floor?"
"Floor," me scoff. "Who am ever heard of pacing floor? Interrupt me, Lois. This am second smallest crisis in all Bizarro history, right after breakup of Lewis and Martin."
Her cross herself at names, then say, "Just unthink. Could bring almost 20 years of Bizarro history to screeching halt. Then again, maybe that am too much to hope for."
"Wife," me say, raking hands through hair and vice versa, "you am get point entirely. Point am not this: Me not figure out way to stop Blue Kryptoniters by end of tomorrow, them take over whole Bizarro World on Father's Day."
Her look at me right-side-up. "So? You got better gift to give Junior?"
"Me got no gift to give Junior," me admit. "War good symbolic gift, but hard to wrap. Besides, me couldn't get close enough to Blues to tie ribbon on them."
Her am finally down to last ravel. "So use other members of Bizarro-League and Insiders to fight Blues."
"Nice try, wife, but that sure to work," me mutter, grimly. "Me am got to think of something with absolutely lousy chance of working. Just like Earth comic books."
"Me swear, them am copping ideas from us all the time," observe Lois. "All right, why you not go out and fight them yourself? Them am sure to kill you, but there am just slim, one-in-gazillion chance you survive."
Whirling with surprise, me accidentally kick chandelier and knock it down from ceiling. Wife dives out of way as it demolishes sofa. "Darling," me am say, hopping down and finishing off rest of sofa, "that am absolutely stupidest, most ill-considered, totally impractical, moronic, best idea me have had all day. You am sure me can credit you with it?"
Lois, picking herself off floor, say ruefully, "Why not? One of these days, surprise me and take credit for something me think up."
"Make note of that," me assure her. "If me die, you be certain to say it was my idea."
"Always is," her say. Then her say, "Number One?"
"Son am 20 years old by now. How come him am not big as you?"
"Same reason you am not grow white hair and lose unsexy figure. Any less questions?"
"Kid can stay kid for 20 more years!" her say, emphatically.
Me brush plaster dust off me from smashing through wall and proceed to city near Bad Carl's Caverns once again. But on outskirts of town, me see positively angrifying sight. Me take much umbrage, you bet, even though not sure what umbrage is. Probably when your mad unfolds like umbrella.
There am little troop of Bizarro-Juniors in imperfect lead suits, preparing to enter city, which am being disgustingly cleaned up and refurbished in most pukeable manner.
Behind them, in second rank, am other Bizarro Leaguers and Insiders. And behind all of them am Mayor, big grandsitting daddy hisself. Bizarro-Supergirl am right beside him.
Plan of action am unclear, so me rocket down like rocket and do what am not necessary.
First, me plow into kid Bizarros and knock them over like twenty-five bowling pins, which am regulation amount for Bizarro bowling. (Tough part is knocking all of 'em over without letting go of ball.)
Then me do similar to fellow heroes, sending them backside-over-coffeemaker.
Finally, me do most pleasurable thing, which is bring Mayor down with flying tackle. Me more polite with Kara, getting up and just touching her like in sissy football.
Her am knock me on kiester. Glad to know her am not take offense.
Once me start picking myself up, find me surrounded by whole bunch of Bizarro heroes, kids taking helmets off (one being my son, whom I can recognize on account of him look just like everybody else), and Mayor, in dire need of new hat. "Bizarro Number One," Mayor say, sounding mean as Mary Martin as Peter Pan, "you am got lotta unexplaining to do. First, apologize to hat!" Him hold out top-hat chapeau, which am getting to be shape of yarmulke.
"Sorry, hat," me say most insincerely.
"Now you am apologize to Bizarro boys!" Mayor pulling rank again. Me think of mentioning Kara in low heels, but save it for later. "Sorry, kids," me own up.
"Now you am say you sorry to other heroes."
"Get stuffed, you guys!" me holler at bottom of lungs.
Yellow Arrow nod and say, "Me not hear more sincere apology than that since Nixon say him am not crook. It am moment we forget all our lives, Number One."
"It am take a real little man to do what him am done," say Bizarro-Hawkman. "Us without you, Number One, all the way."
Me honestly choked up at that time. Son step up and spoil mood, saying, "But, Daddy, us am only trying to help. We could'a outvaded Blue meanies' city and wiped 'em out in minutes."
"And us other heroes, what am not hurt by Blue Kryptonite, could do unsame," say Bizarro-Looker, who am such great model in real life her picture never appear on SHORTS ILLUSTRATED bikini issue, WORKBOY, or RUSTLER. Must admit, am jealous she drag down big money for not appearing in those rags and many others. Her am even negotiating to not appear in big unstyle show in SMTV, Silent Music Television. But me am undigressing. And me never undigress in public.
Me look around at all of them and say, "That am true, brothers, sisters, and total strangers. But still am too risky. You am have almost 100% chance of success in mission. Maybe 101%, but me no big math whiz. Make me think--" Me pause. "Make me think you am gained faith in ability of Yours Truly to cook up plan with only .0078 percent chance of working. You am not remember times me am blown it before, with triumph already in jaws of us? You am not remember Washington George's brave stand in middle of boat going over Pomona? You am not remember Alamo, where every defender chickened out to the last man? You am not remember even Earth president's heroic statement, 'Me have not had sex with that woman'? Huh? More stirring example of Bizarro ethics cannot be found anywhere!"
Moment of silence from all around. Me tell you, sometimes my motivational speaking ability uninspires even me.
Finally, Kara says, "You am right, Number One. Us am not remember any of those things."
"That am right," me say. "Sometimes, me feel like me only man on planet who forget all that, and more besides. You am give me one more chance to try big impractical plan. Then, and only then, you try something that works. Deal?"
Mayor hesitates, then says, "No deal, Number One. We give you one first try. But me gotta let you unknow something. Look." Him point towards Blue-rebuilt city.
Me look. "Am city. So what?"
"On top of Monkey Ward's Tower," him say.
Me look a little closer. "Am disgusting example of building what am not even capable of falling down in high wind," me say.
"Look at gun on top of tower," him say, petulantly.
Me squint a little closer. Saved if me see big ol' ray-cannon, what am helpfully-labeled ANTI-BIZARRO BLUE KRYPTONITE RAY on side, just above ACME.
"If you am not do nothing about that within 12 hours," say Mayor, "our cooks is goosed."
Me take little breath. Then me hear 'nother voice, one belonging to son.
"Daddy," him say. "if'n you not do something, and all Bizarros get killed, us have one lousy Father's Day."
Grimly, me say, "Me hoping you remember that, son. If me make it back, you tell your mama how much me hate her."
Then me leap into air and fly towards city. Most impractical plan of all, against monsters which could destroy me with own presence alone.
Behind me, I hear words of Mayor, who am in awe: "There am go stupidest Bizarro of us all."
And me thought him wasn't friend.
Me fly right at mouth of Blue Kryptonite raygun, not veering from mouth of it. Two Blue meanie guards on top try and swivel it away from me. Me swerve around to face it again. Finally, them am give up and hit me with it.
Feel like somebody drop baby whale on chest and then city department of sanitation blow whale up and crush cars with blubber.
Me drop like dropped rock.
Land on back end of convertible with whole family of Blues in it, out for spin. Me am leave customized impression of me all the way through trunk, which am make car more valuable. But family not look like them want me to sign it. Ingrates.
On top of that, them's radiation am making me sick.
Me roll off into street, put head up, and leave impression in grille of next car coming. This start a trend, because next car's grille leave impression of back of car in front of it, and so on for about four cars down. Me heartened somewhat, as it evidence that Blues am not hopeless without aesthetic sensibilities for art.
However, am whole bunch of Blues radiating radiations, and me am pull self to feet and stagger onto sidewalk. If me am to figure out stupid plan before dead, me must hurry. If me am given option to figure out plan after dead, me have more time.
Me stagger like man drunk on black coffee. Blue pedestrians keep back from me. Me look at what them have built...department stores, office buildings, brokerage houses, paint store in front of me...and me want to throw up. Across street, me am even see them put up hamburger place with two big arches, and me figure that am good place to throw up. But me so sick that me not able to make it that far.
Beyond shadow of faith, me am comer if me not get out of this mess.
Visions of kid Bizarros and other bum heroes triumphant over Blues flop over my mind's ear as me crash through window of paint store. Me tumble inside and knock over big pyramid of cans. Some am bust open and spill over costume and me, also floor.
Blue meanie what am run store come over, radiating all the way. "Er, can I help you?" him am say.
For second, me am have lots to say, which may be own epitaph. Then me take a look at label of paint cans. Hope spring down in chest, crowding lungs and diaphragm, no doubt.
"You am already helped me," me say.
Gathering what of powers remain, me take cape, wrap it around whole bunch of paint cans, and smash through building wall with cans and cape in hand.
It am tribute to waning powers that me able to avoid death and get back to our lines.
Well, that and fact me am dig underground to do it. But that am technicality.
Me poke head out of ground before Bizarro kids in imperfect lead suits. "Boys," me say, "show me to Bizarro ray projector."
"You am have one last desperate chance?" son say.
"Right. It am absolutely stupid, like in Earth comic books. But may not work."
"Boy Bizarro Brigade assemble!" yell kid, and them pick me, cape, and cans up, and carry us all off to where Bizarro ray am.
Me am thinking kid am reading one too many Earth comics. No matter what Dr. Freddy Worthless say, them am bound to not all be good for him.
Within minutes, us am create imperfect paint from originals with Bizarro ray. Them am keep creating it until us got colossal, titanic, and really big pile of imperfect paint cans. Big enuff for me to pour several cans over self, covering from head to toe, and still have a big, big bunch more.
Bizarro-Batman start to pour can over him, too, and me grab his arm. "Not yet, member of World's Final Team," me say. "Me am try this alone. This am got worse chance of succeeding that way."
"Okay," him am say. "But you know the saying. 'Greater love hath no Bizarro than him what am lay down his wife for other Bizarro.'"
"You am been seeing Lois?" me ask, curiously.
"Nope, just Kittywoman," him say. "Worst of luck, Number One. Us all in front of you."
With them stirring sentiments, me grab bunch more paint cans in cape and fly off, with Mayor and kids making more and more imperfect paint with ray.
Me am going to paint the town blue.
Me home in on Monkey Ward building again, coming on like banggusters. Them am try to swerve weapon away from me again, but them not getting chance again. Me swerve with it. Them fire again.
This time, them may as well have been firing battleships at spitballs.
Me bust through mouth of gun and out back of it, bowling over blues. Me turn, smash up gun with several blows (three) and tie same into slip knot. Then me am advance on three blues what am on guard. Them am radiating as hard as me can.
"Go ahead," me say. "Spoil my day."
Them am run down stairs to lower levels like big artistic Three Stooges movie.
Me turn to where me am left paint cans on roof. Big happy frown on face. Me hold two cans and pop tops off, standing on edge of roof.
"This am job for Bizarro-paint!" So saying, me am let fly.
Down below, Blue meanie traffic cop and guy getting ticket am suddenly glopped over.
Then Blue mom and her Blue kids coming out of shopping center.
Then Blue hot dog vendor and his Blue hot dogs.
Before long, whole bunch of Blues am covered in imperfect paint. To be unprecise, paint what am imperfect lead-based paint. Which am make Blues about as harmless as 300-pound gorilla. Chaos in streets. Tide of battle, him am in washer.
Me about to go after more paint cans, when all of a sudden, me am see approximately female blob covered in paint landing on roof with lots more cans.
"You am think me let you have all the fun?" her am say, and pitch a couple of cans herself. Her am throw like girl, which am absolutely great.
Picking up more couple of cans and kissing Kara on painty cheek, me raise arms with cans in them and then let fly. Just to make sure them am not know, me give super-yell at all Blues below:
"This building am property of BIZARRO!"
Kara am throw can of paint at me. Me am throw one back at her. Us embrace and kiss, then get back to work.
The rest am not history. All remember charge of Boy Bizarro Commandoes in lead suits, of Bizarro Leaguers and Insiders closing can of whupface on Blues, and, finally, even Bizarro Mayor all covered in paint and getting on on fight, like little publicity hound him am. Him am always worried about making sure voters forget him in next election, since us am not have elections. With job insecurity like that, me wonder what him worry about.
Also us all remember Bizarro-Batman, White Lightning, Yellow Arrow, and Bizarro-Wonder Woman sticking flag of Htrae in ground in front of Blues' city hall, then bending it over like Iwo Jimmy monument. Them am even force Blues to thumb nose at proud banner, sure nuff.
In end, us am open arguments with Blue government, and come to disagreement. Them am repatriated to Australia, with all Bizarros living there relocated to scenic Antarctica. Solemn agreement is made for them to make war on us every five years, and us promise to throw paint on them every five years, too. Soon enough, them am promise to send team to Bizarro Unolympics, long as them all covered over in paint. Actually, big paint fad am starting among Blues, like conservatives on Earth spiking hair and putting rings in nose.
Out of war, something unuseful always come. Lesson from history.
Blue City in our area was busted up and engarbaged along government regulations. Now, am proud residence of many Bizarros, which never remember the brave stand us made there. On anniversary of battle, kids throw paint at each other. Me get choked up just thinking about it.
Mayor him stay Mayor. Him was talking about giving me big medal. Me slyly mention low heels to him, and him think worse of it. Case opened.
You am wondering about Father's Day, huh?
Well, me am turn up with son back at our house, me still impainted and him in imperfect lead suit. Lois am so pleased to see us, her shed tears and throw coffee grounds at both of us. "Me just knew you wouldn't make it back," her say, sobbing for joy.
"Us could have made it without you, dear," me remind her, and her melt into my arms, getting red and yellow paint on dress.
"Dad," Junior am say. Me freeze.
"Before you and Mom make unwhoopie, me wanna ask you. Father's Day am here tomorrow. What you am get me, huh?"
Me tear self away from wife and face kid. "Son," me say, "me am give you most unmemorable gift of all. Am you ready?"
Him say nothing, just waiting.
"Me am give you," me finally say, "nothing."
May Creator grant me never to see joy like what me see in boy-child's own eyes at that moment.
Him am grab me around neck and hug angel out of me, crunching his little lead suit against chest of me. Lois am grab both of us in group hug. "Super-Dad," him am say, when able to say nothin', "this am worst Father's Day me am ever had!"
Just for that, me am gave him nothing every Father's Day since then. In fact, me am gave him two nothings this year, because me feeling generous.
It am lesson for all of us. Since me not understand it, must be good lesson.
That am enough for you, Charlie. Now, me am go mix paint for big Blue reception. Them am really rotten people when you get to know them. Them am even learning to use right pronouns when them around us.
"You am littlest schmuck in universe," Blue Mayor greets me at door.
"Them kids am too pretty to be yours," me answer.
With sentiments like them, me know there is chance for good in universe, after all.
All characters are DC Comics
This piece is © 2001 by Dark Mark
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All DC Comics characters, trademarks and images (where used) are DC Comics, Inc.
DC characters are used here in fan art and fiction in accordance with their generous "fair use" policies.
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