OWOW (Oh why, oh why?)
by Adrian Tullberg...
....Bringing you fine parody since he lost the ability to tell a coherent original storyline in 1987.
The crowd gathered at the podium, filled with people. creatures and entities from many worlds, universes and continuities. (It was an open bar)
Superman stood, and when the noise didn't abate, gave the gathering his patented nice-guy-but-still-the-boss gaze. When that didn't work, he cleared his throat and delivered the facts, straight out; "Okay, the buffet doesn't open until we get this over with, so settle down."
The chatter died down, and Superman began his speech. "We are here to honour the memory of a good friend ..."
Someone coughed in the back. "Okay ... a great hero ..."
A woman stood up, hand raised.
"Okay, the guy we worked with. King Arthur Curry, otherwise called Aquaman, or The One In The Superfriends Who Talked To The Fish, fell in battle defending his kingdom ... although anyone could tell you that they pretty much pulled the plug once his title lost Peter David ..."
At the sound, Several teenagers, one girl in a tight t-shirt, someone with a starfield on his face, a man in a Star Trek uniform and at least two incarnations of a gamma-irradiated creature fell to their collective knees and began their sacred chant;
"WE ARE NOT WORTHY! WE ARE NOT WORTHY! WE ARE NOT WORTHY! WE ARE ..."
"Knock it off!" Superman pinched the bridge of his nose until they took their seats again.
"He swam. He fought. He swam. He was a semi-respectable possible potential contender for the chance to be perceived as Wonder Woman's likely romantic concept. He swam. He ruled a nation that was the entirety of the world's oceans. Did I mention he swam?"
"Now, for many years of loyal service to DC, he was rewarded with a true comic book heroes death; no trace of a body or any existing forensic evidence to tell he's either on top of the world or six feet under. And, after all, it's always possible for him to return in his own series ..."
"Snootch to the nootch!" This statement was followed by the sound of a rapid beating.
"Okay, he's dead, we mourn. Line for the lamb at the left, vegetarians at the right..."
"This wasn't one of our greatest crossovers, wasn't it?" muttered Superman, sipping his champange.
"It hasn't been that good for me, lately, either." stated Wonder Woman, slugging a straight gin. "Lately, I've been turned down by a desk jockey, lost my only parent, and my home blown to small pieces in a three-panel side-story in someone else's title." Diana suddenly looked at the roof, and shouted; "Thanks a lot, Jiminez!"
"Careful ..." Superman hastely took away Wondy's glass, while giving an apolegetic smile to the heavens.
Suddenly Batman appeared next to the two. "Can I have a word?"
Superman and Wonder Woman glanced at each other warily. "Er ... sure ..."
Batman clasped both their shoulders, taking them by surprise. "I've had first hand knowedge of what you've lost. We haven't gotten on really since ... well, Frank Miller, to tell the truth. But I want you two to know that if you need anything ... anything at all, I'm there for you."
"That's ... that's great."
"Thank you Bruce, we weren't expecting ..."
"We could meet at my place ... can help you to try and cope with your loss, just like I did ..."
Superman and Wonder Woman stared at the bat-suited, neurotic-obsessive man before them.
"Er ... got to go, save the world ..."
"Me too! I'm also due to be stood up at the Four Seasons tonight!" The two heroes quickly left the room.
"I feel your pain, guys!" called out Batman as they fled ...
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This piece is © 2001 by Adrian Tullberg.
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